Con-fi-dence

It's quarter to seven o'clock on a Monday morning, and I'm trying to find some type of necklace or pair of earrings that will add a little "oomph" to my drab and well-worn school uniform. I still have yet to do my hair, which is beginning to look like it's been zapped by lightning due to the lack of moisture in the air. On top of all that, I look in the mirror, only to wish that I had taken the time to apply make-up.

I've spent so much time mulling over this stuff that within what feels like a minute, my brother announces that it's time to leave for school. And with that, I walk out the door with one thought repeating itself in my mind:

I look like crap, which is making me feel like crap. Ugh, I don't think today is gonna be all that good of a day.

It seems like today people have become so used to a culture that depends on lovers, friends, possesions etc. to feel good about themselves. I've seen girls as young as eleven walk around with what literally looks like a pound (or more) of make-up on their faces. I once went to school with someone who throughout the day, would apply and reapply cover-up/foundation to hide her acne (in reality, it only make things worse because you could literally see how much of it she put on).

I myself have battled confidence and self-esteem issues since I was a toddler. On our way to a football game a couple of months back, I did actually ask my mom "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just saying that because I'm your daughter?" In my early teen years, I allowed what people said about me influence, and almost dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, almost to the point where I viewed myself as a worthless piece of existence.

The previous year was probably when I was at my lowest point; not because of gossip or anything of that nature, but because of what I would tell myself. Long story short, there was a guy that I had taken a keen interest in, and he was one of those that a vast number of girls gravitated to/were interested in as well. I was always comparing myself to them; how they acted, what they looked like, etc. I became so unsure of myself that I even compared myself to my closest friends! (Reason being not because of him, but because of their personality and attitude. They were almost what I wanted to be and I didn't know how to do that.) When it all came down to it, I lost myself for a little while.

I think I needed that sort of thing to get where I am currently. Over the summer I realized how tired I was of always feeling inferior, always allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back. From that I coined the saying, "It's one thing to have insecurities, but it's another to let them get the best of you."

The guy and I didn't talk or text very much over the summer, and it made me examine certain aspects. My feelings for him were no longer bringing me joy, but flat-out just bringing me down. Over the course of the last couple of months, I felt the need to step away from the world of guys and relationships and just focus on myself and appreciate what I have. Also, I'm at a point where I want a guy to be the one to ask me out on a date, to be one one to pursue me.

And for me personally, I know that who I was at that time really isn't who I am at all. I want my friends and family to be able to see who I really am, to see more of my strengths then my weaknesses.

Ist it easy? HELL NO!! It's actually a day-by-day process. I didn't just wake up one morning and vow that I would always believe in myself, that I would always be happy. I have to work at it every single day. Alot if not most times, I have to pray and ask God to be with me because I simply can't do it on my own. When I'm doing certain things like driving or taking some type of test, I have to tell myself repeatedly that I'm able to do it; I have to envision myself accomplishing that task.

It doesn't always happen, and that goes for every human being on this earth. There are days where I feel down, where I'm more of a scaredy-cat then a go-getter. I think everyone is allowed to feel bad every once in awhile, you just can't wallow in it. When that happens, I remind myself that everyone deals with this stuff, and that I'm the only one stopping myself from being who I want to be and going after what I want.

Of course, there is being too confident; meaning you say it more than you actually live it out. And you're not humble. Have I been through that? Yes.

Everything I've been through to get from there to here has been painful and frustrating, but nevertheless eye-opening. My journey does not end here; I'm sure there will be plenty more times in the future where I will fall, but will eventually get back up and keep going.

There's an old saying about how confidence is key. Way back when, and even not too long ago, I didn't understand that. Now that I've begun to apply to to my life, I feel like I really do.

Just. Keep. Swimming.

These days, there've been many moments where I've felt like Marlin from the movie, Finding Nemo. He's trying desperately to get to his son but runs into a crapload of roadblocks in the process of doing so. With me, it's just trying to get where I want to go with my life. I'm done with my college applications, but all this waiting is making me incredibly anxious. In the midst of it all I'm trying to keep an open heart and mind, but it's frustrating because I feel like I already know. Yet, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

The hardest part about this year thus far is feeling like I have to carry this particular burden and much more on my own. Now, I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I am not alone; but I feel as though I'm dealing with alot of things by myself. I'm afraid to talk about my struggles because 1. I don't want to come across as lil' miss negativity and 2. I don't want people to see me as the type of person that always needs help and needs to be taken care of.

I know that I cannot be dependent on anyone or anything for my emotional security; God ultimately is the one that'll take care of that. There are times like these where I wish I just had someone to wrap me in a gigantic hug.

I hate that I barely have time to go to youth group anymore. I hate that my senior year feels more like a chore that needs to be done week after week as opposed to a time I should be enjoying. Ultimately, I wish that these burdens would be lifted off of me, and even more so that I can feel them being lifted.

Pardon me for my complaints. I try to keep this blog as light as positive as possible, but like all human beings, I too have my moments of weakness. When all is said and done, this too shall pass and I'll look back knowing that I grew up and learned from it. But until than, I just have to take everything as at comes. And per Dori, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!

This feeling...

You know, I feel really good right now; probably the best I've felt in a long time. I think it's a combination of things: I have a good sense of what I want, both for myself personally and what I want to do with my life. I've stopped focusing on the usual high school BS and kind of seperated myself from that stuff, if that makes any sense.

The biggest factor that has made a difference is just having confidence in myself; being able to just wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say I feel good today. This is who I am, and I'm happy with myself. Thank you, Lord. And I don't neccessarily feel that way because of the people that are in my life or what's been happening. I've repeatedly learned that you truly cannot depend on people to make you happy; you have to be able to find happiness in the little things, the things you enjoy doing each and every day.

The hardest part about all of it is not letting my imagination get the best of me, to not expect so much where I set myself up for disappointment. But I'm in a good place, and I want people around me to know that. Better yet, I want them to actually see it. I'm finally starting to realize that so very few of my friends have actually seen the real me; the happy, bubbly person that I am deep down inside. It's just a matter of having that kind of attitude.

I think the key thing, as I've reiterated many times before, is taking things as they come; focusing on today, here and now, and nothing else.

I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm me, myself, and no one else.

Confessions of a Semi-bookworm

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always loved to read. I can't be sure as to what age I was when it became a hobby, but I do know that it stemmed from both my parents and grandparents reading picture books to me as a child. Around kindergarten and first grade I would check chapter books around from the library and have my parents read them aloud to me at night before I went to bed. Most of the time it was The Baby-Sitter's Club or the American Girl series based off of the dolls. By the time second grade rolled around, I had learned how to read chapter books on my own and could often read one or two in a day.



I included the word "semi" in the title for two reasons: 1.) I don't necessarily have as much time to sit down with a good book as I used to. I have alot going on these days and spend the majority of my time doing homework/studying, filling out college applications, and sleeping. 2.) I'm not one that reads every genre out there; I have my likes and dislikes, which I'll get to momentarily.



The way I see it, the world of literature is such a beautiful thing. Even before books started getting printed out on paper, there was the passing down of tradition and culture through telling stories out loud. (I'll admit, my neighbor does an amazing job at telling ghost stories around a campfire...he's creeped me out on more than one occassion.) When I read, it's like escaping into another world; sometimes it's similar to my life, and sometimes it's completely fictional.



The kinds of books that I like mostly center around fiction (romance, realistic, some young-adult oriented) and autobiographies/memoirs. There are people that have asked me "why bother with that kind of stuff when you can just read it in a magazine or a tabloid?" I happen to think that magazines and tabloids don't always tell the whole story, and at times, they don't even tell the truth. It's interesting to read a person's own words about their lives and their experiences. Plus one realizes that there is more to a celebrity than what is seen on television or written in some kind of news article.


There are so many to choose from when it comes down to personal favorites, but I think the one I've found myself reading repeatedly is Rachel's Tears, about one of the students' that was killed in the Columbine tragedy ten years ago. What got to me most was that it wasn't just about the tragedy in itself, or the people that made it happen. It was about a regular teenager who loved God with her absolute being and lived out her faith to the fullest extent. I admired the way she reached out to those who were considered "outcasts" and might not have fit in very well. Even today, her story moves me to tears. My favorite authors include Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Piccoult.

And yes, there are those that I don't take a particular interest in. I'm not big on science-fiction or anything involving politics. I find alot of self-help books (especially those pertaining to love and dating) to be kind of annoying. Harlequin novels, or any raunchy titles don't have a whole lot of substance and can get boring real fast.

I must say, I don't quite understand the stigma that is attached to reading now a days, especially with teenagers. Yet, I do respect the fact that there are people out there who don't like to do it, and thats not a bad thing.

This is something that I'll eventually do a later post on, but I neither understand why certain books are blown out of proportion, or even banned from shelves. I understand that parents have the right to be concerned with the material that their children read, and if they feel it be innapropriate, have them not do so. I just don't see the point in trying to take books completely out of public libraries. Again, this is an issue that I'll save for later on. It's something I feel strongly about.

Just a little short-note, I do plan on making future bloggings aimed more toward current events. I don't just want people to come here and read what's going on in my life and nothing else; I want them to learn a little bit about who I am, how I feel about issues in the world today, and why. One may or may not agree with what I'm saying, but hopefully they find my opinions interesting.

A season of change

By now, I'm sure alot of these posts regarding the transition of summer to autumn has grown pretty cliche. Truthfully, I've never been a fan of cold weather, and come January you'll probably hear me moaning and groaning about how badly I want to be able to go outside and wear shorts again. Yet for the very first time I find myself entranced with fall; the colors, the smell of leaves, a pumpkin-spiced latte from starbucks, burning candles in my room, wearing hoodies...it's just so...nice.

And as the title says, I feel as if this is a season of change; not just in weather, but in my life too. I'm visiting two more college visits next week, and hopefully by then I'll have founded a school that has cliqued for me. I hope to have all my applications done with by the end of october and get started on some scholarships.

I feel like I have finally gotten back into the groove of writing again. Not just on here, but writing in my private journal and other ideas that come to mind. I've found myself writing poetry alot more because of the trials and frustrations I've experienced over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that if anything good can come out of my struggles, it's heartful and passionate thoughts transmitted from pen to paper.

I'll be posting about seperate topics eventually, I just can't be sure how often that'll be. But as I keep saying

One day at a time...

Fast on the track

As I am now into the third full week of my senior year, my mind has begun to resemble that of a runaway train; going down the track and at a million miles per hour with little to no way of stopping. It's not because I'm stressed and tearing my hair out already (although I won't be surprised if that happens eventually) but rather because there is alot to do and sometimes I'm not sure where exactly to start.

the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.

I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.

The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.

I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.

I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.

I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.

I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....

Loving Others

Recently, I just got back into writing poetry again (for the longest time I was somewhat "dry" creatively; meaning I didn't have very much to write about.) Looking back on these past couple of months, I realized that I've been struggling with something that usually comes so naturally to me: loving other people. Not exactly the romantic kind of love, per say, but being kind to others regardless out how they treat you, and not judging someone before you get to know them. This poem describes what I think that kind of love should be, and how I feel I haven't been doing very good with it.

Loving Others
I try my best each day to love, to respect
But what once came so easily has no become a challenge
As I go on with age, and change progress
Reaching out with words of kindness; at times turn to ignorance and silence
Even more so, going about it the right way
Having patience, being kind
Putting others before oneself
To fully forgive and fully forget
To hope, trust, and banish pride
Ultimately never failing
Yet I do fail, whenever I don’t do any of these things
Especially when I feel anger towards another
Wanting something for myself, jealousy
Loving others means to have a tender heart
To take care of the people around you
Even if you don’t get it back