Ever since I was a little girl, I've always loved to read. I can't be sure as to what age I was when it became a hobby, but I do know that it stemmed from both my parents and grandparents reading picture books to me as a child. Around kindergarten and first grade I would check chapter books around from the library and have my parents read them aloud to me at night before I went to bed. Most of the time it was The Baby-Sitter's Club or the American Girl series based off of the dolls. By the time second grade rolled around, I had learned how to read chapter books on my own and could often read one or two in a day.
I included the word "semi" in the title for two reasons: 1.) I don't necessarily have as much time to sit down with a good book as I used to. I have alot going on these days and spend the majority of my time doing homework/studying, filling out college applications, and sleeping. 2.) I'm not one that reads every genre out there; I have my likes and dislikes, which I'll get to momentarily.
The way I see it, the world of literature is such a beautiful thing. Even before books started getting printed out on paper, there was the passing down of tradition and culture through telling stories out loud. (I'll admit, my neighbor does an amazing job at telling ghost stories around a campfire...he's creeped me out on more than one occassion.) When I read, it's like escaping into another world; sometimes it's similar to my life, and sometimes it's completely fictional.
The kinds of books that I like mostly center around fiction (romance, realistic, some young-adult oriented) and autobiographies/memoirs. There are people that have asked me "why bother with that kind of stuff when you can just read it in a magazine or a tabloid?" I happen to think that magazines and tabloids don't always tell the whole story, and at times, they don't even tell the truth. It's interesting to read a person's own words about their lives and their experiences. Plus one realizes that there is more to a celebrity than what is seen on television or written in some kind of news article.
There are so many to choose from when it comes down to personal favorites, but I think the one I've found myself reading repeatedly is Rachel's Tears, about one of the students' that was killed in the Columbine tragedy ten years ago. What got to me most was that it wasn't just about the tragedy in itself, or the people that made it happen. It was about a regular teenager who loved God with her absolute being and lived out her faith to the fullest extent. I admired the way she reached out to those who were considered "outcasts" and might not have fit in very well. Even today, her story moves me to tears. My favorite authors include Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Piccoult.
And yes, there are those that I don't take a particular interest in. I'm not big on science-fiction or anything involving politics. I find alot of self-help books (especially those pertaining to love and dating) to be kind of annoying. Harlequin novels, or any raunchy titles don't have a whole lot of substance and can get boring real fast.
I must say, I don't quite understand the stigma that is attached to reading now a days, especially with teenagers. Yet, I do respect the fact that there are people out there who don't like to do it, and thats not a bad thing.
This is something that I'll eventually do a later post on, but I neither understand why certain books are blown out of proportion, or even banned from shelves. I understand that parents have the right to be concerned with the material that their children read, and if they feel it be innapropriate, have them not do so. I just don't see the point in trying to take books completely out of public libraries. Again, this is an issue that I'll save for later on. It's something I feel strongly about.
Just a little short-note, I do plan on making future bloggings aimed more toward current events. I don't just want people to come here and read what's going on in my life and nothing else; I want them to learn a little bit about who I am, how I feel about issues in the world today, and why. One may or may not agree with what I'm saying, but hopefully they find my opinions interesting.
October 12, 2009
October 03, 2009
A season of change
By now, I'm sure alot of these posts regarding the transition of summer to autumn has grown pretty cliche. Truthfully, I've never been a fan of cold weather, and come January you'll probably hear me moaning and groaning about how badly I want to be able to go outside and wear shorts again. Yet for the very first time I find myself entranced with fall; the colors, the smell of leaves, a pumpkin-spiced latte from starbucks, burning candles in my room, wearing hoodies...it's just so...nice.
And as the title says, I feel as if this is a season of change; not just in weather, but in my life too. I'm visiting two more college visits next week, and hopefully by then I'll have founded a school that has cliqued for me. I hope to have all my applications done with by the end of october and get started on some scholarships.
I feel like I have finally gotten back into the groove of writing again. Not just on here, but writing in my private journal and other ideas that come to mind. I've found myself writing poetry alot more because of the trials and frustrations I've experienced over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that if anything good can come out of my struggles, it's heartful and passionate thoughts transmitted from pen to paper.
I'll be posting about seperate topics eventually, I just can't be sure how often that'll be. But as I keep saying
One day at a time...
And as the title says, I feel as if this is a season of change; not just in weather, but in my life too. I'm visiting two more college visits next week, and hopefully by then I'll have founded a school that has cliqued for me. I hope to have all my applications done with by the end of october and get started on some scholarships.
I feel like I have finally gotten back into the groove of writing again. Not just on here, but writing in my private journal and other ideas that come to mind. I've found myself writing poetry alot more because of the trials and frustrations I've experienced over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that if anything good can come out of my struggles, it's heartful and passionate thoughts transmitted from pen to paper.
I'll be posting about seperate topics eventually, I just can't be sure how often that'll be. But as I keep saying
One day at a time...
September 15, 2009
Fast on the track
As I am now into the third full week of my senior year, my mind has begun to resemble that of a runaway train; going down the track and at a million miles per hour with little to no way of stopping. It's not because I'm stressed and tearing my hair out already (although I won't be surprised if that happens eventually) but rather because there is alot to do and sometimes I'm not sure where exactly to start.
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
September 06, 2009
Loving Others
Recently, I just got back into writing poetry again (for the longest time I was somewhat "dry" creatively; meaning I didn't have very much to write about.) Looking back on these past couple of months, I realized that I've been struggling with something that usually comes so naturally to me: loving other people. Not exactly the romantic kind of love, per say, but being kind to others regardless out how they treat you, and not judging someone before you get to know them. This poem describes what I think that kind of love should be, and how I feel I haven't been doing very good with it.
Loving Others
I try my best each day to love, to respect
But what once came so easily has no become a challenge
As I go on with age, and change progress
Reaching out with words of kindness; at times turn to ignorance and silence
Even more so, going about it the right way
Having patience, being kind
Putting others before oneself
To fully forgive and fully forget
To hope, trust, and banish pride
Ultimately never failing
Yet I do fail, whenever I don’t do any of these things
Especially when I feel anger towards another
Wanting something for myself, jealousy
Loving others means to have a tender heart
To take care of the people around you
Even if you don’t get it back
Loving Others
I try my best each day to love, to respect
But what once came so easily has no become a challenge
As I go on with age, and change progress
Reaching out with words of kindness; at times turn to ignorance and silence
Even more so, going about it the right way
Having patience, being kind
Putting others before oneself
To fully forgive and fully forget
To hope, trust, and banish pride
Ultimately never failing
Yet I do fail, whenever I don’t do any of these things
Especially when I feel anger towards another
Wanting something for myself, jealousy
Loving others means to have a tender heart
To take care of the people around you
Even if you don’t get it back
August 26, 2009
Here we go....
As of tomorrow morning, I am officially a senior year in high school. It feels kind of weird to be at this point, although I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it's because I expected to have be taller than I was freshman year? (Even though height has nothing to do with it) Or maybe it was just something that seemed like it wasn't going to get here for a very long time? Who knows...
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
August 21, 2009
Simple thoughts for the week
I'm beginning to love blogging, but sometimes I don't have very much to say sometimes. So I decided that at the end of each week (say Friday or Saturday, depending on when I have time as well as energy) I'll post little snippets of what I've been doing, my feelings, what I'm thankful for, etc. It might seem a little random, but enjoy :)
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
August 04, 2009
Quiet Strength
I've been somewhat hesistant to write about this, considering I've been trying to not make it the focal point of my life for the last two years. But yet, it always seems to be the elephant in the room, regardless of how I live or what I do. Let me say this is anything but a pity post; as I'll explain later, pity is really the last thing I want from anybody. As is the point of this blog, I'm just putting my current thoughts to paper and going from there.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
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