Loving The In-Between (And Unstable)

It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now? (prompt credit: Kat McNally) 

My grandfather has repeatedly told me that the months following graduation are one of the most depressing and frustrating times in a person's life. Not only are you leaving behind what you've come to know, but you're entering into a stage that's unpredictable, where you'll face a lot more rejection than acceptance. It's the time where I have to "be an adult and figure it out," as my mom recently phrased it. It can be confusing and daunting. Depending on the circumstance, it can be down right terrifying. But it's a time of re-evaluating and establishing my own values and way of doing things. 

Despite frequently the lack of positive outcomes and feeling as though I'm running into a lot of brick walls, this is still a time to be savored. 

• I love living with my grandparents; It's an emotionally healthy environment, and they keep me laughing for the majority of the time. My grandfather has been extremely helpful with mapping out various areas of the city when I have to go for interviews, and they've both encouraged me in my career pursuits. 

• I appreciate alone time: the time to write, to journal, to deepen my relationship with God, and ultimately grow and become a better person. 

• My tribe is scattered. I don't get to see very many of my closest friends all that much, and phone calls or Facetime tend only be every couple of weeks or so. Despite the distance and the changes, there's still a mutual sense of love and support. Life may get busy, but that doesn't mean we care for each other any less.

• I'm now embracing messiness, both literally and figuratively. I'm becoming less afraid of how I present myself and more open letting people see the crazy parts of my journey. It is possible to be raw and vulnerable without feeling hopeless. It is possible to feel sad, low, and depressed without being dragged down by it.

• Despite the separation the emotional separation, my family does mean the world to me. On most occasions we have different perspectives and don't always agree, but at the end of the day we love each other. They're the ones that teach me about acceptance and about grace; but most importantly, they're teaching me that love is both given and received in different ways, and you have to recognize how to meet halfway. I don't always understand the choices and decisions that are made, but that doesn't mean I love or appreciate them any less. 

• And on that note, I'm grateful for this time because of how I'm learning to love myself. I recognize that I am a child of God and a human being; that my identity is not in my career, my personal history, or my relationships. It's remembering that I'm doing the best that I can, and that I need to stop beating myself up when I feel that I don't do enough. And again, it's embracing the messiness while still holding onto hope. Not hope that life itself will get better, but that God will give me the strength and tools to build a life for myself.

At the end of the day, all these things allow me to say that while I'm not exactly where I thought I would be, it is well with my soul.

photo credit: MoreInterpretations via photopin cc