I have written and re-written this entry a few times, trying to come up with the best way to articulate how I currently feel.
But maybe the "best way" is to just write completely unfiltered. Or maybe there isn't really a best way at all.
That aside, life has kept me fairly busy, enough to know what the word "busy" genuinely means. Since the beginning of October, I have had multiple exams almost every week, plus papers, as well as assigned reading. While I am an English major, I didn't expect things to pile up and become so overwhelming
It's that time of the semester where college students in general begin that painful, uphill climb toward finals. Normally during this time, I would be stressing out more than I need to and desperately wishing for a break, as many college students usually do. But I've found that I simply can't plow through all of it, at least without losing my mind.
I'm not going to wait for a break. I'm going to give myself one; a multitude of them, actually.
Breaks are giving myself at least an hour to decompress after my last class. Writing/Journaling/Praying. Going for a walk. Getting coffee and having a night out with a friend. Simply just getting out of my apartment for a little while is a break in itself.
Right now I'm trying to balance my focus on academics and dealing with a lot of personal struggles. I do want to write about them and discuss them, but I'm not at a point where I feel like I could do it without only venting, as opposed to encouraging others in the process. In short, I want to take it all to God before I put it on the blog (and yes, the rhyming was intentional).
On the outside, everything feels totally calm and collected. On the inside, it's often chaos and what can sometimes be a toxic mixture of emotions.
I am at a point where I'm trying to reconcile my past with my future; of learning what it means to really love myself, and let myself be loved.
I won't make any promises, but I want to try and blog at least once a week for the rest of this month. School is keeping me on my toes, and the topics that I frequently want to write about tend to be overwhelming and take a long time; or at least more than just two or three days. I hope that come December there will be another Reverb project, or at least a guide where I can create one myself. That's when I will get into the deep and gritty stuff, because I've always viewed December as a time of authentic reflection.
There is a verse that has been going around in my head, particularly in the middle of all this crazy academic, personal, and even political stuff. It's in Psalm 46: 10; Be still and know that I am God.