Stream Of Consciousness: Between Seasons

Near the end of July, I moved my furniture and most of my things into my new apartment. A couple of days ago, I finished up with my summer class. In about two weeks, I'll be heading back up to school to begin my junior year at college. 


Wow!


Lately I've been feeling a mixture of both excitement and reserve. I realize that I shouldn't allow my past experiences (or relationships) to determine what is current, and/or what will be in the future, and that is not what I intend to do. However, I would be lying if I said that sophomore year, or even the last two years, had somewhat of an influence on my way of thinking. They were tough. They will filled with more stress than I originally anticipated. But they also allowed me to experience and learn about things that have enabled me to become the person that I am right now. 


Which is why I have to remind myself that I do know more than I think I do. And even though my insecurities do come out every once in awhile, that's OK. It's OK to not have a plan about how I'm going to go about the semester or what is going to happen. When I'm only able to see what's right in front of me, I stop being dependent on my circumstances or the people in my life; instead, I have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be, and that everything happens both for a reason, and when the time is right. 


And if nothing else, that's my goal: to stop wanting so much, at least to the point where it becomes unrealistic. Freshman year was the year of experience, and sophomore year was the year of learning. If I could pick a word for this year, it would be embrace; embrace what makes me who I am, as opposed to trying to appear to be someone I'm not. To cherish the people that I truly feel comfortable with and vice versa. To just find joy as life unfolds, rather than try to plan and figure out what's coming next. 


I am in between seasons, where I've realized that I am only in control of so much. While I'm not going to make any predictions at the moment, I do have a strong feeling that it's going to be full of things that I haven't done before, or at least not a lot. 


Right now, I my life isn't being dominated by school work or a to-do list. It's at a pause, and for the next two weeks, I'm going to enjoy it.