Today is Thanksgiving; the day where it is acceptable to eat enough food until you feel like your stomach will burst, watching football games back to back, and spending time with loved ones. And while I do believe in especially giving thanks on this day, I also believe that being grateful should be a daily practice.
And while I am thankful for my health, my family, my education, and many of the little things in life, I wanted to adjust my mindset a little bit and try to be grateful for the challenges that I am currently facing. While it may appear to be an odd concept, I'm finding that "rejoicing in my sufferings" (as what I was taught in Church) is not only helping me to become a stronger person, but helping me to be more patient and ultimately changing my perspective.
I am thankful for....
....The six block walk I take to and from my classes five days a week. It can be cold, it can be tiring, and I frequently ask myself "why in the hell did I agree to live where I live?" But it gives me the workout that I normally don't have time for because of classes and studying.
....My somewhat run-down apartment. I don't like the fact that my clothes smell like a mixture of stale smoke and mold. I don't like there isn't a whole lot of space to put stuff. Yet, I have learned that "it is better to make something out of nothing, then to have everything and do nothing with it."
....The difficulties that I've had with roommates and friends. The latter has really shown me the importance of communication and compromise. Not only that, but you have to be open to all possibilities and situations instead of zeroing in on just one particular ideal. Things change and people change, and sometimes you just have to roll with it.
....The tough economic and emotional experiences that I have had with my family. The last five years have been a testament to the fact that I can't rely on money for happiness and security. Material wealth is a temporary thing, and it can be taken away from you as quickly as it is given. I've also learned what not to do in various areas of life.
....The fact that it takes awhile to take a certain point or a goal. I've really been relishing in the fact that relationships, academics and life's work in general often takes a very long time. It's not always easy and I personally get frustrated a lot of the time. However, in the midst of getting from point A to point B, I've been paying a lot of attention to the small, wonderful moments that have occurred. I've realized that maybe it isn't about just getting there, but enjoying the process of getting there.
Remember to be thankful for every moment, in everything, and in every day.
November 24, 2011
November 20, 2011
Stream of Consciousness #17
Let me just say that it is good to be home. The last couple of weeks have been trying for me; meaning, I've been trying to stay on top of everything that needs to get done by the end of the semester, yet not completely wear myself out by doing so. Trying not to despair about my living situation for next year, but trying not to get my hopes up at the same time. Trying to be strong, positive and living in the moment, while not trying to completely hide what is going on in my life.
I suppose I am the most stressed about figuring out where I will be living next year. After talking to various friends, I've gone to posting on my school's off-campus housing website and using other servers that help people in finding roommates and apartments. There have been quite a few prospects, but thus far have either been complete dead ends, or just have not gone very far. It is a very long and frustrating process, one that I didn't think would be as difficult as it has proven to be. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but there comes a point where I wonder, why does the same thing tend to happen over and over again?
It has left me emotionally and physically exhausted; most times I would rather be sending out e-mails rather then doing current school work or actually take care of myself. I question whether or not there is anyone else on campus that is like me, or if I am just better off living alone.
The bigger dilemma is not that, but rather how to go about approaching this whole thing; in other words, not raising my expectations to ridiculous levels, yet refusing to settle for something that I am not comfortable with. That is honestly how I got myself into this situation in the first place; I refused to dig my heels in when I should have fought for something that I wanted, and I had this whole vision of how things would go with my roommate, when in reality she's just not that kind of person.
As frequently as I do it, I realize there is little use in looking back and trying to figure out whether or not I did the right thing. Despite the warnings and despite my own fears that slowly crept up on me over time, I don't regret any of it. It has been a learning experience, if nothing else.
At this point, all I can do is move forward with dignity and grace, doing the best I can with what I have.
I normally don't do this, but I recently came up with something that I wrote down in my personal journal, and I thought I might share it. It might come across as harsh and even a little negative, but I see it as a simple truth that I am slowly learning to accept.
I am beginning to understand and slowly accept a very difficult truth; life will always be somewhat crazy and it will never really slow down. There will always be things that need doing and goals that need to be set/accomplished. Once you solve a problem, there will always be another one to replace it.
As disheartening as that sentiment seems, that doesn't mean that life cannot be fully lived or appreciated. The trick is knowing when to grieve, when to think and when to just lay it all down and step away from everything for a little bit. Good times and special moments don't just get handed to us for a reason; we're meant to find them in the midst of all the chaos and to-do lists in order to not take them for granted. And if there's one thing that I want to do this year, as well as for the rest of my life, it is to soak up every single moment that I can and not waste any of the precious time that I have.
So despite my frustration about next year, there have been some wonderful things that have happened this week. Although both were on different days, I was able to see and catch up with two of my close friends that I hadn't really talked to in awhile. And I slowly moved past a small, irrational fear of mine when I asked one of them to give me a hug without going into detail as far as why I needed it. As I said before, sometimes just need to be held instead of launching into an all out venting session.
When I came home Friday night, I was welcomed by my amazing family and my newly re-decorated beach themed room. I have to tell you, it makes me not want to go back to my apartment; it's so incredibly calming and a great place to relax in. I absolutely love the beach and it was sort of why I seriously considered going to college in Florida.
And tomorrow marks the beginning of the reunion for my entire family; my brother will be flying in from Colorado, where I will see him for the first time since the beginning of July. On Wednesday some of my cousins will be coming into town, and on Thursday we will all get together and my house for Thanksgiving.
Life is beautiful, isn't it?
I suppose I am the most stressed about figuring out where I will be living next year. After talking to various friends, I've gone to posting on my school's off-campus housing website and using other servers that help people in finding roommates and apartments. There have been quite a few prospects, but thus far have either been complete dead ends, or just have not gone very far. It is a very long and frustrating process, one that I didn't think would be as difficult as it has proven to be. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but there comes a point where I wonder, why does the same thing tend to happen over and over again?
It has left me emotionally and physically exhausted; most times I would rather be sending out e-mails rather then doing current school work or actually take care of myself. I question whether or not there is anyone else on campus that is like me, or if I am just better off living alone.
The bigger dilemma is not that, but rather how to go about approaching this whole thing; in other words, not raising my expectations to ridiculous levels, yet refusing to settle for something that I am not comfortable with. That is honestly how I got myself into this situation in the first place; I refused to dig my heels in when I should have fought for something that I wanted, and I had this whole vision of how things would go with my roommate, when in reality she's just not that kind of person.
As frequently as I do it, I realize there is little use in looking back and trying to figure out whether or not I did the right thing. Despite the warnings and despite my own fears that slowly crept up on me over time, I don't regret any of it. It has been a learning experience, if nothing else.
At this point, all I can do is move forward with dignity and grace, doing the best I can with what I have.
I normally don't do this, but I recently came up with something that I wrote down in my personal journal, and I thought I might share it. It might come across as harsh and even a little negative, but I see it as a simple truth that I am slowly learning to accept.
I am beginning to understand and slowly accept a very difficult truth; life will always be somewhat crazy and it will never really slow down. There will always be things that need doing and goals that need to be set/accomplished. Once you solve a problem, there will always be another one to replace it.
As disheartening as that sentiment seems, that doesn't mean that life cannot be fully lived or appreciated. The trick is knowing when to grieve, when to think and when to just lay it all down and step away from everything for a little bit. Good times and special moments don't just get handed to us for a reason; we're meant to find them in the midst of all the chaos and to-do lists in order to not take them for granted. And if there's one thing that I want to do this year, as well as for the rest of my life, it is to soak up every single moment that I can and not waste any of the precious time that I have.
So despite my frustration about next year, there have been some wonderful things that have happened this week. Although both were on different days, I was able to see and catch up with two of my close friends that I hadn't really talked to in awhile. And I slowly moved past a small, irrational fear of mine when I asked one of them to give me a hug without going into detail as far as why I needed it. As I said before, sometimes just need to be held instead of launching into an all out venting session.
When I came home Friday night, I was welcomed by my amazing family and my newly re-decorated beach themed room. I have to tell you, it makes me not want to go back to my apartment; it's so incredibly calming and a great place to relax in. I absolutely love the beach and it was sort of why I seriously considered going to college in Florida.
And tomorrow marks the beginning of the reunion for my entire family; my brother will be flying in from Colorado, where I will see him for the first time since the beginning of July. On Wednesday some of my cousins will be coming into town, and on Thursday we will all get together and my house for Thanksgiving.
Life is beautiful, isn't it?
November 18, 2011
Friday Fun: Life in Trampoline-Land
I decided to start a new segment of posts entitled "Friday Fun." Usually when Friday comes along, most people (myself included) are often tired, burnt out and may or may not just need something to laugh about. Normally, if I post on a Friday, it tends to be something heavy duty. However, I thought I would change that up a bit, discussing something that's light-hearted and most of the time, relatively short.
I don't know why, but for some reason I started reminiscing about the times my siblings, friends and myself used to play on my trampolines back home. I have grown up around them; the majority of my childhood memories come from jumping, pushing, laughing, slipping and rolling around on those things. We had a medium-sized one in our basement when I was fairly young, but then got a huge one and put it outside. At the same time, we bought a water trampoline for the lake. And in the past fifteen or so years, we have all come up with some of the most fun, silly and probably dangerous games a kid could imagine. Please bear with me if my descriptions don't make a whole lot of sense.
1. A person sits in the middle and the others run around in a circle the length of the trampoline, trying to avoid having their legs grabbed and ultimately falling down.
2. Swinging; for the one in our basement, we used to have this plastic swing behind it. As toddlers, up until we may have been six or seven, my brother and I used to jump off the swing onto the trampoline. It was fun, unless you didn't get up fast enough so that the swing didn't smack you in the head.
3. Not hitting the ceiling; this was more or less my Dad's game to play, where whenever we used the one in the basement, it was always "don't hit the ceiling, please!" Needless to say, it didn't really work.
4. Playing Basketball (or trying to dunk the plastic ball in the little fischer-price basketball hoop)-This was way back when Michael Jordan was insanely popular; I would start jumping a little bit until I got high enough, and then actually try to "dunk" the ball into the hoop. That made up for not being tall enough to play the real game.
5. Popcorn-That might just be the oldest game there is; one person sits down while crossing their legs and feet, and everybody else has to jump until the one sitting down can't hold themselves together anymore.
6. Sleeping Bag Popcorn-One person would be completely zipped up in a sleeping bag and then get bounced around, not knowing what side of the trampoline they were on. It was very rare that I did not come out with a headache after that.
7. Summo Wrestling/Bumper balls-Hold onto those huge plastic rubber-maid balls and slam into people. Somehow I always got knocked over first.
8. King/Queen Of The Raft-this was mostly played on the water trampoline; it was basically a free-for all where you had to knock everyone into the water and ultimately be the last one standing. This was my absolute favorite because it involved the opportunity to beat up on my brother, as well as anyone else that liked to pick on me. Of course, it was never without complaint of getting scratched, kicked or punched. But that's what happens when somebody tries to play rough with me!
9. Working Out-I had to use my upper body strength a lot just to get up on either of them, not to mention jumping in general. I think that's why I was always able to stay so incredibly thin as a little kid.
10. Playing In The Rain-This was probably the second most fun thing to do, because we'd be slipping and falling down constantly.
Things we didn't try/do
1. Jumping Off Of The Rooftop-I am not advocating this at all, but I always wondered what it would have been like to try that without a net. Obviously, very dangerous.
2. Putting the sprinkler underneath, putting soap all over the trampoline, and then rubber-banding plastic baggies to our feet. I read that in a book once and I wanted to try it, but always kept forgetting about it.
3. Sleeping out under the stars. I know that my brother did this, but for some reason I was always afraid of skunks or raccoons.
How none of us ever got concussions, broken limbs, or anything else...I'll never know. And while I have not used a trampoline in years, I miss it sometimes.
Again, it's a bit of a cheesy writing idea, and one that I may or may not do very often. But hey, I thought I might try.
November 11, 2011
What A Hug Means To Me
I have this little Snoopy figurine-type thing sitting up on my desk in my apartment bedroom. I found it at Hallmark as I was shopping for apartment decorations; and even though it wasn't technically Disney-oriented, I knew that I had to have it. It says "Happiness...is a little hug." I honestly cannot think of anything that is more true, at least for me and in terms of who I am as a person.
It has taken me awhile to fully understand why I take such a liking to physical touch. In one way, it started when I was about thirteen or fourteen; I had just started attending a church on a regular basis, and every Sunday I was always greeted and bid goodbye with an embrace, and the same was true whenever I went to the youth group during the week. Truth be told, during that time and for about three and a half years afterward, it was a sense of validation for me. Whether anyone was trying to communicate this with me or not, I often perceived as a sign of genuine acceptance and understanding. If that wasn't the case, my insecurities would come out like an ambush.
Yet, I now believe that it started all the way back when I was a tiny baby, lying in an incubator in the NICU. Due to my premature birth, I wasn't quite developed yet and still had a bit of growing to do; so for the first couple months of life, I had to stay in this infant hospital bed, where my parents were not allowed to hold me for awhile. Instead of holding me, people had to stick their hands through the side holes in the incubator and could touch me or try to wrap their hands around my doll-sized head (from what I've been told, my Dad and both of my Grandfathers actually could).
So it is not so much hugging that I'm sort of attached to, but rather physical touch in general. No, I'm not talking about anything relating to sex, but rather things like randomly leaning against somebody when I'm with my friends or family members. I can be a bit of a cuddle bug, so if that happens, try not to be too surprised.
In all actuality, physical touch is often described as a "love language" (Although I would prefer to call it a "personal language" because the word "Love" does not always pertain to romance). As of today, it is how I personally like to give and receive affection. For instance, when I give a person a hug, most of the time it is my way of telling someone that I care about them. Again, it doesn't have to be this huge romantic gesture or made into a big deal at all; sometimes I do it because I simply want to, or because it's just second nature. Most importantly, it is how I communicate and connect with people when I either don't have or can't come up with the words to say out loud.
And yet, I am aware that not everyone has those preferences; if I'm not sure, I will usually ask. My sister is somewhat anti-touch, and even though it's difficult for me to do, I have to be respectful of it.
I am also aware of the fact that some people (mostly guys) may or may not try to take advantage of me because of that factor. This is where I can appreciate being an observer, because I tend to pick up on the tiniest of details and/or signals. Thus far, nothing hurtful or dangerous has happened, aside from the occasional drunk creeper try to pick me up when I go out dancing.
There was a time when I thought being affectionate (or asking for it) was a bad thing; Last year I rarely ever asked any of my friends to just hold me for a minute, thinking that I might come across as "needy" or childish. Most of the time, whenever I am having a problem or struggling with something, I don't want to talk about it a whole lot; I would prefer to just be held, if only for a moment or two. Emotionally, it was one of the toughest periods I've gone through during this phase of my life; It was as if I was almost cut off from the people that I cherished the most.
In time, I realized that regardless of how anyone else viewed it, wanting to be close to people is just a part of who I am. I don't do it or ask for it every single day, but I do need to have close relationships in my life and to connect with others somehow, otherwise I don't function real well. There are those that understand it, and some that don't. Some, no matter how many times I try to explain it, never will.
Hugging, physical touch, whatever you want to call it; not only is it a language, but it is a gift. It is a gift that should be given without any sort of hesitation or expectation to be given something in return. It is one of those ordinary things that I see as sacred, and something that should never go without appreciation.
It has taken me awhile to fully understand why I take such a liking to physical touch. In one way, it started when I was about thirteen or fourteen; I had just started attending a church on a regular basis, and every Sunday I was always greeted and bid goodbye with an embrace, and the same was true whenever I went to the youth group during the week. Truth be told, during that time and for about three and a half years afterward, it was a sense of validation for me. Whether anyone was trying to communicate this with me or not, I often perceived as a sign of genuine acceptance and understanding. If that wasn't the case, my insecurities would come out like an ambush.
Yet, I now believe that it started all the way back when I was a tiny baby, lying in an incubator in the NICU. Due to my premature birth, I wasn't quite developed yet and still had a bit of growing to do; so for the first couple months of life, I had to stay in this infant hospital bed, where my parents were not allowed to hold me for awhile. Instead of holding me, people had to stick their hands through the side holes in the incubator and could touch me or try to wrap their hands around my doll-sized head (from what I've been told, my Dad and both of my Grandfathers actually could).
So it is not so much hugging that I'm sort of attached to, but rather physical touch in general. No, I'm not talking about anything relating to sex, but rather things like randomly leaning against somebody when I'm with my friends or family members. I can be a bit of a cuddle bug, so if that happens, try not to be too surprised.
In all actuality, physical touch is often described as a "love language" (Although I would prefer to call it a "personal language" because the word "Love" does not always pertain to romance). As of today, it is how I personally like to give and receive affection. For instance, when I give a person a hug, most of the time it is my way of telling someone that I care about them. Again, it doesn't have to be this huge romantic gesture or made into a big deal at all; sometimes I do it because I simply want to, or because it's just second nature. Most importantly, it is how I communicate and connect with people when I either don't have or can't come up with the words to say out loud.
And yet, I am aware that not everyone has those preferences; if I'm not sure, I will usually ask. My sister is somewhat anti-touch, and even though it's difficult for me to do, I have to be respectful of it.
I am also aware of the fact that some people (mostly guys) may or may not try to take advantage of me because of that factor. This is where I can appreciate being an observer, because I tend to pick up on the tiniest of details and/or signals. Thus far, nothing hurtful or dangerous has happened, aside from the occasional drunk creeper try to pick me up when I go out dancing.
There was a time when I thought being affectionate (or asking for it) was a bad thing; Last year I rarely ever asked any of my friends to just hold me for a minute, thinking that I might come across as "needy" or childish. Most of the time, whenever I am having a problem or struggling with something, I don't want to talk about it a whole lot; I would prefer to just be held, if only for a moment or two. Emotionally, it was one of the toughest periods I've gone through during this phase of my life; It was as if I was almost cut off from the people that I cherished the most.
In time, I realized that regardless of how anyone else viewed it, wanting to be close to people is just a part of who I am. I don't do it or ask for it every single day, but I do need to have close relationships in my life and to connect with others somehow, otherwise I don't function real well. There are those that understand it, and some that don't. Some, no matter how many times I try to explain it, never will.
Hugging, physical touch, whatever you want to call it; not only is it a language, but it is a gift. It is a gift that should be given without any sort of hesitation or expectation to be given something in return. It is one of those ordinary things that I see as sacred, and something that should never go without appreciation.
November 05, 2011
Happiness, Cynicism, And The Power Of Energy
I'm frequently told that I am an idealist, and a hopeless romantic to an extent. After reading this, one might assume that not only am I those things, but that I also have a way of looking at life through rose-colored glasses and not staying in touch with reality. Perhaps that's true, and perhaps it isn't.
Everywhere I look, it's as though every media avenue is filled with some kind of anger, bitterness, pessimism, or a combination of the three. I understand that news outlets have to report the facts and at times, the facts are not always pretty. I understand that gossip magazines, TV shows and movies have to sensationalize unfortunate events or concepts in order to have a good story, and therefore make money.
But what pains me and frustrates me the most is not current events, but what I encounter on Facebook, Twitter and even personal conversations. It's as though every status or update has to do with something negative; sometimes it pertains to relationships and other times it's another way of saying "my life just sucks!"
And it causes me to ask, why do people so often choose to focus on the good as opposed to the bad? Is it because that most of the time, it's the easier thing to do? Is it about wanting to get a reaction out of friends and/or family? Or does one genuinely see the internet as some sort of diary that's safe enough to broadcast the most intimate details and feelings to the world?
I really shouldn't be one to talk about this particular subject. It wasn't too long ago that I could have called myself a "Debbie Downer" of sorts. I was angry and upset, and I didn't know how to properly deal with it. As a result, I had extremely distant relationships with several family members and had trouble with making genuine friendships. It was not the way to live, but I didn't know of any other way.
While everybody goes through rough patches, many where one must take the time to grieve and process what happened, there is a point where the self-pity must end. I absolutely hate it when someone says that they'll never be happy because of so and so or such and such; there comes a point where the only reason you aren't happy is because you're not letting yourself be happy.
If there's one defining lesson I have learned, particularly this year, is that it's not simply about being happy or not being happy. It's about the energy that one projects as a result of those emotions. Regardless if it's positive or negative, the kind of energy that you emit around other people and in the world will eventually come back to you.
There are definitely people in my life that have some kind of aura, where being around them automatically makes me smile, both on the inside and out. Their attitude is almost contagious, where it motivates me not to imitate them exactly, but to certainly be a better person. They're the kind of people with hearts of gold, and they will someday change the world.
On the other side, there are also people whom I have never seen actually smile, laugh or act like they have joy in their life. They're always down about something and are frequently quick to chime in with a negative or sarcastic comment. I do believe in being realistic, especially in situations involving life or death, I will not allow myself to be consumed by the worst that could possibly happen.
Again, there is not one person out there who doesn't struggle or fight a hard battle. But when one chooses to sit and wallow in their pain instead of trying to move forward, it can become self-destructive. That self-destruction will affect whomever is involved, whether it be that the outsiders are desperate to help that person, or they just feel like they're being dragged down to the bottom as well.
It wasn't until recently that I began to understand the gravity of that type of situation; that when you find yourself in the middle of it, sometimes it's best to try and distance yourself from that person, at least emotionally. There is only so much you can do to help someone, especially if they don't want to change. There is no use trying to better somebody if you lose yourself in the process.
I made a vow to myself this year that I wasn't going to take anything or anyone for granted. I may come off as happy-go-lucky a lot of the time, but you know what? I am a sentimental person. Some will understand that, and some won't. Yet, if I'm being the best person that I possibly can be, then why worry about it?
Everywhere I look, it's as though every media avenue is filled with some kind of anger, bitterness, pessimism, or a combination of the three. I understand that news outlets have to report the facts and at times, the facts are not always pretty. I understand that gossip magazines, TV shows and movies have to sensationalize unfortunate events or concepts in order to have a good story, and therefore make money.
But what pains me and frustrates me the most is not current events, but what I encounter on Facebook, Twitter and even personal conversations. It's as though every status or update has to do with something negative; sometimes it pertains to relationships and other times it's another way of saying "my life just sucks!"
And it causes me to ask, why do people so often choose to focus on the good as opposed to the bad? Is it because that most of the time, it's the easier thing to do? Is it about wanting to get a reaction out of friends and/or family? Or does one genuinely see the internet as some sort of diary that's safe enough to broadcast the most intimate details and feelings to the world?
I really shouldn't be one to talk about this particular subject. It wasn't too long ago that I could have called myself a "Debbie Downer" of sorts. I was angry and upset, and I didn't know how to properly deal with it. As a result, I had extremely distant relationships with several family members and had trouble with making genuine friendships. It was not the way to live, but I didn't know of any other way.
While everybody goes through rough patches, many where one must take the time to grieve and process what happened, there is a point where the self-pity must end. I absolutely hate it when someone says that they'll never be happy because of so and so or such and such; there comes a point where the only reason you aren't happy is because you're not letting yourself be happy.
If there's one defining lesson I have learned, particularly this year, is that it's not simply about being happy or not being happy. It's about the energy that one projects as a result of those emotions. Regardless if it's positive or negative, the kind of energy that you emit around other people and in the world will eventually come back to you.
There are definitely people in my life that have some kind of aura, where being around them automatically makes me smile, both on the inside and out. Their attitude is almost contagious, where it motivates me not to imitate them exactly, but to certainly be a better person. They're the kind of people with hearts of gold, and they will someday change the world.
On the other side, there are also people whom I have never seen actually smile, laugh or act like they have joy in their life. They're always down about something and are frequently quick to chime in with a negative or sarcastic comment. I do believe in being realistic, especially in situations involving life or death, I will not allow myself to be consumed by the worst that could possibly happen.
Again, there is not one person out there who doesn't struggle or fight a hard battle. But when one chooses to sit and wallow in their pain instead of trying to move forward, it can become self-destructive. That self-destruction will affect whomever is involved, whether it be that the outsiders are desperate to help that person, or they just feel like they're being dragged down to the bottom as well.
It wasn't until recently that I began to understand the gravity of that type of situation; that when you find yourself in the middle of it, sometimes it's best to try and distance yourself from that person, at least emotionally. There is only so much you can do to help someone, especially if they don't want to change. There is no use trying to better somebody if you lose yourself in the process.
I made a vow to myself this year that I wasn't going to take anything or anyone for granted. I may come off as happy-go-lucky a lot of the time, but you know what? I am a sentimental person. Some will understand that, and some won't. Yet, if I'm being the best person that I possibly can be, then why worry about it?
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