Original Lessons

If there's one thing I know personally, it's that I am a woman of words; I love posting quotes and sayings via Facebook, Twitter and anywhere else there is a space for some kind of encouragement. It annoys the living daylights out of some people, but the simple truth is that it's just who I am. 


In fact, I often come up with little sayings of my own; it might be because I am a writer, or it might be because I am a thinker and always feel like there is something new to be learned every single day. I try to write them down, or at the very least get them stuck in my head to where I can't forget about them. I am always coming up with something new, something profound; especially in terms of what I am going through right now. 


Some of these little snippets of advice may sound vastly cliche and/or incredibly similar to one another; but nonetheless, they help me to keep everything in perspective. 

Don’t let your everyday struggles keep you from being happy; smile until your face hurts, laugh until you can’t breathe, and love like you have absolutely nothing to lose.

Don’t allow the pain of your past to keep you from having joy in the future

The greatest things we’ll ever accomplish are often the things that go unrecognized

Sometimes you have to do things that scare the crap out of you, otherwise you’ll never get anywhere

The best accessory that anybody can wear is confidence

It’s one thing to have insecurities, but it’s another to let them get the best of you

Chances are, you’ll learn more from every day experiences then you will from any kind of textbook

They say good things come in small packages; well if I’m small, I want to be a diamond in the rough, the kind you can’t find anywhere else, you know? (This one is more or less about me and how I view myself)

Always surround yourself with people who bring out the absolute best in you; if they don't, you might want to consider why you have them in your life

In order to be able to do something for someone else, you have to be able to do the same thing for yourself

You can blame society or circumstances for not being able to follow your dreams, but the only one that's really holding you back is yourself. Nine times out of ten, you have to be the one to get off your ass and go get it yourself. 


Some days, this advice is extremely difficult to follow; but on most days, this is my motivator to be the absolutely best person that I can be and not to waste a day or even a moment. Hopefully this will do the same for anybody who reads this.

Stream Of Consciousness #16

I'm lying in bed in an attempt to wind down for the night; after not getting a whole lot of sleep the previous week, I have made it a goal to at least be laying down by nine-thirty, ten o'clock. On a physical level, I've been dragging my butt around like a sack of potatoes. When I don't get a certain amount of sleep/rest for a consecutive number of days, my energy levels deplete at a pretty fast rate. 


Despite what my previous post may have indicated, I wouldn't say that life is crappy or that I'm headed down a bad path; on the contrary, it is almost the exact opposite! The effects of my recent personal decisions and choices have given me one thing that I haven't felt in a very long time: freedom. 


Looking back on where I was at this time last year and where I am now, the contrasts are so incredibly different. It might be because I am in my second year, and/or it might be because I know more than I did back then. Whatever the reason, I am in a much better place right now. 


Two of the key things that have given me that sense of freedom are 1.) the fact that I have been sharing with others in regards to what I'm learning and experiencing. Once upon a time, I was absolutely terrified to tell anybody what was really going, especially my close friends and family members. Now that I am taking the time to talk with people, it's like the heaviest of burdens has been taken off my shoulders. I'm not trying my damndest to hide anything. 


Now it's not like I'm throwing a pity party or that I don't know who to turn to. If there's one thing I have learned, it's that pity gets you nowhere. No, I am honest with people because I want them to know me. I write this, and in general, as a way of allowing people to get to know me. There is no sense of desperation or fear in that. 


The second thing that comes from that freedom is the ability to be more of myself: I laugh a lot, I frequently smile for no reason at all, and I find joy in the kinds of things that few people my age actually pay attention to. And the reason being for that is because am slowly but surely not caring so much about what others think, or how they might react. 


I call it the "wrapped up in a blanket" kind of feeling. You're all warm and snuggly, as if nothing else matters because you're doing what makes you feel good and what makes you happy. 


But of course I have my down days, and I'm learning to accept that that will happen at times. There are days where I just walk around frustrated with myself; I wonder, why in the heck am I still dealing with this stuff? Why can't I just get myself together and start living my life? Why do I have to feel so small? 


On top of that, my stubborn pride is kicking in for a variety of reasons; mainly because the weather is getting colder and I normally have to make a few adjustments. That and I just don't like being dependent on anyone. 


The best thing is that I am writing again; I actually just finished a story for my fiction class today. I don't know when I will officially share, and it probably won't be for awhile because of editing and doing other homework in the meantime. 


Nonetheless, I am grateful, and I am content.

The Aftermath And Now

In order for this post to make sense, it is probably best to read the similar post that preceded this. The link to it is in the opening paragraph.

Coming out of one of the most difficult times of my life, the one thing I wanted to do was just get better and move on. I had poured my heart out to someone who had actually taken the time to listen. I felt like I had a genuine spiritual foundation. I had friends that accepted me exactly for who I was, even though I didn't see them all the time. I would be starting at a private school for high school. I believed that to be enough to prove to those that had seen me at my lowest point that I was going to be all right. Especially my parents.

It was always about depending on something or someone to make it better; there were significant events that would put me on cloud nine for awhile, and cause me to think that it was the answer that I was looking for in order to heal.

And for a little while, it worked. But eventually, the whole thing would start to unravel, and I often wound up hitting bottom every single time. It was a pattern that continued through my senior year, my freshman year of college and even into the first week or two of this year.

This time around, it was Labor day weekend, and I had been left to my own devices for the second or third weekend in a row. I did my absolute best to pretend that I didn't mind it, but on the inside I was incredibly lonely and just wanted to spend time with my friends. It made me anxious and even a little clingy, which I’d like to think that doesn’t happen very often

While sitting around wondering what I could do to keep busy, it suddenly hit me that I had once again idealized a situation, and it wasn’t turning out the way I had expected or hoped. It was devastating, mostly because my parents and several friends had warned me what was going to happen, and it did. I cried profusely for most of Saturday and Sunday night. It was like hanging off the edge a cliff and not knowing whether or not I was going to fall. I couldn't think rationally, and it made me feel blind and helpless.

After a lengthy phone conversation with my Mom, I knew that this was not a situation that could be swept under the rug, at least not any longer. It was not just about the current circumstances, but more about what had been happening for the last five or six years. From those happenings came insecurities and bad habits that were practically taking over my life. 

Since that night, I have been doing what I should have done all those years ago; I've been sitting down with a counselor and taking the time to work through the stuff that I was either trying to at least run a fair distance from, or completely forget about altogether. I have been told that I make everything in my life so incredibly complicated; but the only way that life gets complicated is when you refuse to face whatever you're struggling with. 

Each day has been bring so many lessons and insights to where this post would go on for eternity if if I went through them all at one time. There are some that I plan on sharing in the coming weeks, but for now I'll focus on what has been the most profound (so far).

 I have been trying way too hard. When I first came to college, I had this ridiculous notion in my head that I needed to have everything figured out in order to get the most out of the next four years. I wanted so badly to start over and leave behind the person that I used to be; I thought that meant never discussing my past struggles or telling anyone that I was mildly handicapped (unless outright asked, of course). I didn’t want to ask for help. I thought that was what growing up and becoming an adult was about.

I don't see it as necessarily being fake or two-faced, but rather that I have not shown very many people all of who I am as a person. For a long time, I have never liked the idea of my friends (and even my family) seeing the emotional/vulnerable side of me, because I don't want to have relationships that have begun out of pain or hardship; meaning I don't want anybody to think that they're in my life solely for the sake of helping me get through a rough time. 

As it turns out, trying to be all "put together" does take its toll at some point or another. I don't want to hide from people any longer, even if it means being left behind or rejected in the end. Out of all the people that I've met and gotten to know on campus, I'd say that there are only one or two people that genuinely know me. And of course, not everyone wants to know me or will take the time. However, I miss putting myself out there and sharing my heart with others. That is the main reason why I am writing this, and why I have this blog in the first place. 

I don't know where this particular journey will take me; I don't if it is a kind of healing, per say, or just a matter of working stuff out that has been long overdue. But for once, I am not trying to figure out where I'm going or what it all might mean. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and soaking in whatever I can, for as long as it takes me to do so. There are some wonderful things happening right now, and going at a slow pace has enabled me to really appreciate them. 

I will say that I feel a sense of peace; even though I did technically put myself in this situation, I don’t regret it because I might have just kept going down the same unhealthy path that I was on for quite some time. In all that I have been experiencing, I have become a much stronger person because of it. I have better relationships with my parents and with my friends due to not telling them out of a sense of desperation, but simply because I want to.

Again, it’s hard to tell how certain things are going to turn out. However, I am not trying to crane my neck and see what’s coming up next, nor am I trying to prepare myself ahead of time. There definitely have been, and there will continue to be days where I don’t know what in the heck I’m doing, but that is normal.

I suppose that one could call it learning to dance in the rain. And as of this moment, that is enough for me.

It's The Little Things Part 2

Back in August, I did a post about the small things that I often take the time to appreciate around my home or near it. While I am back at school and once again enveloped in the throes of college life, that eagerness to soak everything in has not changed, especially in the midst of the current circumstances that I am working through. 


1. My Apartment Building-I have now fully accepted that our current living space was not the best of choices. However, I am grateful to have a place where I can relax but not feel entirely cramped or have to adhere to a strict set of rules. I can read in bed at night without keeping anyone else awake. I don't have to shower in a tiny little stall. The best part is that it has this sort of cozy feel to it, which is what I wanted. 

2. My big (and insanely comfy) lounge chair-In reality, I can't call it "mine" because it was originally my cousin's. But dear Lord, it is probably the most comfortable chair I have ever sat on! I normally use it when I'm drinking coffee in the morning and/or catching up on TV shows that I miss. I plop on it right after I get back from classes, usually because I am exhausted. And I'll read in it or watch TV before I go to bed each night.

3. Taking Walks Around The Neighborhood-I'm not one to grumble about the slight distance that my place is from campus. The way I see it, it just means I get more exercise, which I often don't have a whole lot of time for during the week. I like to go walk around the block when I'm taking homework or study breaks, just to keep my mind from becoming completely fried. It's especially nice at this time of year, with all the leaves and the colors. And while I'm thinking I should really enjoy it before winter sets in, I have a feeling that the cold weather isn't going to stop me.

4. My Bedroom-I feel like my apartment bedroom is more "me" than the one that I have at home! I have quote posters all over the walls and more Disney stuff in there than probably anyone I know. 'Nuff said right there.


5. Kuerig Coffee Maker-Coffee, or any type of caffine for that matter, will become one of your best friends when you get to college. This little one cup machine makes it even better, and it doesn't hurt my wrist because I don't have to pour anything.

6. My Backpack-I can honestly say that I get more remarks about how it's too big for me, more than anything else. And admittedly it can be a pain in the neck to carry around, depending on how much I put in there. But it does have a lot of space and plenty of places to put stuff so I don't have to cram everything into one huge pocket.