So, what do I think?

March 30, 2015

Music Monday

What's been on repeat lately....

I Know How To Love You Now-Charles Esten

This is one of the most raw and beautiful songs I've heard from this season of Nashville; it's a reminder of why I love Country music in the first place.

Shut Up and Dance-Walk The Moon

Baby Be My Love Song-Easton Corbin

Like A Wrecking Ball-Eric Church

Perfect Storm-Brad Paisley

I think I just found my theme song....

Have a great week, everyone!!

photo credit: no, i don't play via photopin (license)

March 13, 2015

Ocean Wide

I wrote this is honor of my best friend, who recently began a new chapter in her life in the Peace Corps. May God go with you, sweetheart.

Ocean Wide

I can easily recall the ocean of my youth

A child looking out, wondering about

All the mysterious creation contained beneath the water

Sharks, jagged edges, and perhaps even mermaids

An over active imagination’s paradise

Yet I feared submersion

Of having my dreams dashed by the powerful forces below

So I stayed on shore as the rolling tide teased my ankles

Begging me to join

Ten or so years later

Fourteen, sixteen, teetering on womanhood

The adventurous spirit within me awakens

I am cautious, but I long to be free

A day trip in a beach town I break away from the confines

Gallivanting into the waves on my own

Diving in between to feel the sting of salt in my eyes and nose

Dancing against nature

Only to realize that I’ve wound up on the other side

But I went unpunished, and later basked in a palette of colors

Shades of blue and pink surrounding me

Realizing what made me feel alive

The way I felt back then

A mirrored reflection of how I feel right now

One moment I’m terrified of the vastness before me

Yet eager for the opportunities that lie ahead

We’re now at age where it’s considered normal, if not expected

To go off in directions

Anything can happen

And whether that’s good or bad is as unpredictable as a rising tide

Some of us will only be separated by a phone call

Others by a couple hundred miles

Perhaps for a select few

An Ocean wide

There’s no way to know how things will change

How we’ll grow and evolve

How we’ll look, think, or feel once we meet again

But let’s not let love be dependent on stages and places

Rather, unconditional faith and support in one another

Seeking to understand, rather than just be understood

I don’t know what the future holds. But I know who holds the future

Let’s hold onto that promise, along with each other

My friend forever

No matter how far

photo credit: Avila Beach Pier via photopin (license)

March 06, 2015

It's that time of year again; the time where a lot of us look in the mirror and analyze every inch of our reflection. It may start on New Years, or it may start in the last month leading up to a spring break trip or a vacation. Either way, we stare, we scrutinize, and we tell ourselves that it's a matter of practicing good posture or actually sticking to doing those fifty crunches that we were told would make our stomach's flatter in six months. Soon enough, that all-too familiar voice chimes in and gets louder by the minute; it sounds like nothing yet comes from everything around us, from the media to even friends and family.

You are too much of this, and not enough of that.

Growing up, I never dealt with any major weight-related issues, unless you count the time period when I was an infant and had to gain four pounds in order to go home from the hospital. My grandmother affectionately nicknamed me her "Bag O' Bones", and it has stuck to present day. Some of you reading this might be tempted to argue that I've had it easy, and I won't deny that in some respects that's true. I was, and always have been fairly active person, especially coming from a family of athletes. I had a naturally fast metabolism and adopted a liking for healthy meals early on. When I went to college I avoided the freshman fifteen by long walks around campus and learning how to make decent food choices.

Yet somewhere in there at least one person (maybe two or more) would make some sort of comment about my figure:

"You're too skinny!"

"You need to eat more!"

"Why do you even work out? It's not like you need it."

"We're going to fatten you up when you get home."

It's as frustrating now as it was back then, given that I'm constantly taking care of myself to the best of my ability. I'm well aware of my eating and exercise habits, along what works for me and what doesn't. But it's not so much the remarks in themselves that I find annoying as much as whom those words are coming from; it's sad when those who should be encouraging you to love and accept yourself are the ones trying to convince you that you're somehow not healthy. And while I do acknowledge the possibility of genuine concern, there are better ways to go about the conversation than making snarky comments about how they don't measure up.

But I've long since thought that for anyone who does that sort of thing, it's less about their opinion regarding the other person and more how they see themselves.

With developments in technology over the years and an increase in vocalization, dealing with body image and what's healthy versus what isn't can be complex. New studies regarding what to eat and what to avoid are being released all the time and it's constantly sending people into a tizzy. There's a love/hate relationship for Victoria's Secret and "Fitsporation" on Pinterest, while celebrities are being glorified or attacked all the time getting older or having babies. A lot of popular music urges people to celebrate who they are, but not without undermining others by referring to them as "skinny bitches."

Do we really have to look at one side as the enemy in order to embrace the other? It seems exhausting and completely unnecessary.

While I was training for my first 5K race last spring, I went to a health specialist at the my University's rec center to make sure that I was doing the proper preparation. Not only was she incredibly helpful, but it was nice to hear that I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong as it was. She explained that because I'm living with Cerebral Palsy, it's perfectly normal that I have a slightly different diet and exercise routine. And as I went about my days getting ready for my upcoming run, I noticed a change in how I felt because I ate certain foods or focused on specific exercises. As I type this, I'm recalling a line from a commercial that I saw on TV a long time ago; it's been well over a decade, but the message is still relevant now as it was fifteen years prior.

"It doesn't only matter what you look like, but what you feel like."

With that, my health and fitness mantra comes down to one sentence: Pay attention to how you feel while and after you're doing something. This goes for both fitness and food; I like my workouts to involve lots of cardio and movement, where I'm aching by the time I'm done. I'm not one for a ton of greasy or heavy food because they both make my stomach hurt. And in terms of eating, I'm a grazer throughout the day as opposed to eating three big meals at designated times.

No one body is exactly the same, so I don't think you can determine whether someone is living a healthy life based on looking at them. Yes, this country has problems with both obesity and eating disorders, but how one navigates that is not exactly black and white. I get the reasoning behind some countries banning models who don't meet a specific BMI requirement, but who's to say that they're always in control of that? It's kind of insulting to those who do struggle with such life-threatening conditions, because there are other factors that go into it besides dramatic weight loss. As I said previously, if the signs do indicate that something isn't right, there are more genuine and loving ways to discuss the subject then just demanding that they eat.

But there are times where body acceptance does not just involve clothing size or weight. For me, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm fairly petite for someone my age and am done growing. I have moments where I absolutely hate it because it's difficult to find shoes that fit and clothes are swimsuits always tend to fall off a little. I know that certain things involving bonding and babies are not going to be easy, and while that might be awkward to read, it's important for me to think about as I determine what I want in my life and who I want to surround myself with. I'm an adult now, and even not everyone understands that, I have to choose what's best for me.

And that is what it comes down to: being an adult and realizing that you do have a choice. Just as choosing to make lifestyle changes is honorable, so is choosing to accept things as they are, as long as that person is doing so in a safe way and for the right reasons. As much as I wish women would stop complaining about getting back to their pre-pregnancy bodies (or struggling after a certain age), I have no room to comment because I have not been down that road. As much as I wish some of my family members exercise or that my friends would stop smoking, I can't force them to do it. I believe in leading by example, but not in the way that we shame or blame others if they choose not to follow.

I hope one day that we'll realize that our bodies are not the enemy. Food is not the enemy. Instead, it is that false, monotone voice that spits out unrealistic expectations without experiencing real life. It speaks out of fear, rather than speaking from a place of love. That's where I've found peace; knowing that I am what I am because I'm a human being and a child of God. I don't need anything else to define my worth.

I'm ready to put my weapons down.

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March 02, 2015

Music Monday

This week, I'm listening to....

Love You Like That-Caanan Smith

Mom-Garth Brooks

-This gets me. Every. Single. Time. *grabs tissues*

Love Me Like You Do-Elle Goulding

-I'm not purposefully advocating or promoting the movie that this is from, but this song is catchy.

In A World Like This-Backstreet Boys

-I recently watched their new documentary a couple of weeks ago, and it made me fall in love with them all over again. When I went back to Iowa to visit last weekend, my friends and I blasted it without a care in the world.

Raise 'em Up-Keith Urban and Eric Church

Have a great week!

photo credit: Akai APC40 via photopin (license)

February 27, 2015

Unboxed

I wrote this in the midst of trying to choose between visiting Iowa City and going to Nashville a couple of weeks ago. And while that weekend has passed, the theme surrounding this is still a big part of my life and process, especially during this "in between" stage, as some have dubbed it. Sometimes it's exciting, confusing, heartbreaking, and perhaps all three at once. All I know for sure in this moment is that it's OK to not have answers all the time.

Unboxed

I wasn’t born on one side or the other

I just walked in the middle of the road

Believed from observation

Always questioned, never told

Some say it was the rose-colored glasses

The romantic and optimistic side

Can’t say for certain how it happened

Perhaps it’s just my mind

I wonder why we use labels

Special names and categorize

We push away in fear of discomfort

Rather than realizing how we were each created

By God as human beings

To love and give love

Yet instead we have to decide

Rather than seeking to listen and understand

With age comes evolving and changing

In interests, tastes, and dreams

The world gets a little bigger

With more chances and opportunities

And the possibility of going anywhere with anyone

Both equally thrilling, yet terrifying

Truly anything can happen

You’ll come across thresholds on how to live your life

Wondering if you could be doing better

Or if you’ve fallen behind

You want to do what feels impossible at times

Sharing you heart with the world

And one day giving it to another

You ask, you doubt, you wonder…

What’s out there?

Part of you desires to play it safe

But there’s still a mild itch to explore

Not for selfishness, but to grow and learn and be inspired

So throw away this empty box

And breathe in freedom’s scent

Let the winds of history guide you in order to lead and teach

Don’t follow your heart, but feed your soul

It’s OK to come back around

Keep being sweet with a little bit of spice

Faithful, but unafraid to go deep

Take chances and set boundaries

Pray and trust in the unseen

You were not made for a box

You are wonderfully made

photo credit: alki_set via photopin (license)

February 20, 2015

Life Lately: When You're Disappointed (and Maybe Even a Little Heartbroken)

Do I focus on the positive or the negative? The side embellished in sunshine and pretty colors, or the raw, deep and sometimes tear inducing stuff?

That's a question that I'm sure all writers and bloggers alike ask themselves at some point or another. That's part of the reason why I haven't been posting for most of February, as this month has come at me in a way that I was not expecting, nor was I prepared for.

My birthday was overshadowed by the passing of my sweet Yellow Lab two days early; she'd wandered off and was hit by a car, and there was nothing more that could be done. Despite that she was closest to my brother out of everyone in my family, but the loss was still devastating. Knowing that she was pretty far up in her years, I knew that time was going to come sooner rather than later, but I believed that at the very least I would be able to say goodbye. However, this was not the case, and as it usually goes with any kind of upsetting or heartbreaking news, I found my mind going numb. All I wanted to do was curl up under the covers and cry.

And like most losses do, this caused me to start thinking about my choices and making the most of the time in front of me. That's why when one of my best friends invited me on a road trip to Nashville, I took her up on it. Granted it took some deliberating, but I ultimately made the decision because I wanted to do something different, and it's been on my list of cities to visit (along with San Diego and San Antonio). I'm in a place where I want to explore and try new things, and am now slowly building the means to do it. Unfortunately this trip was abruptly cancelled; and while I understand the reasoning behind it, it doesn't mean that I wasn't disappointed. It taught me that circumstances don't always result because they're supposed to; sometimes it's a result of poor planning or not thinking, and sometimes stuff just happens that no one has any control over.

Life has been going at a pretty steady pace; I'm finally getting into a routine with work, exercise, and relaxation. But yet at times, I still get the sense that something is missing, whether it be excitement or being in community with others for more than one day a week. Though it has been a little over six months since I moved back, it's still very easy to get lonely out here. In the last week or so, I've realized that it's not business that keeps me going, but the intentional effort to feed my soul. In order to center myself spiritually, I'm making a point to start and end my day with God. Saturdays and Sundays will now be dedicated to creative writing and/or journaling, unless I'm in a place where I don't have access to my computer or a notebook. And though getting around is a bit of a challenge, I want to get involved in at least one or two meet-up groups or organizations.

But the one thing I miss most right now is the deep conversation, especially now that I'm more confident in who I am as a person, It's not so much for the lack of friends as it is less opportunities than there used to be. Granted there are plenty of phone calls and text messages, but it isn't quite the same as sitting face to face and observing their expression and emotion. I miss the no-holds-barred, no sugarcoating type of talks, and that's a big part of why I often send people unedited versions of my writing; maybe we don't always get to spend time together or catch up like we did in college, but at least they'll know what's on my heart.

When all is said and done, I do feel like I'm out of my element, and not having access to what makes me feel alive all the time is still taking some getting used to.

However, I'm grateful that places like that are only a bus ride or a train ride away, one which I'll be embarking on in a couple of hours. One extreme positive about post-grad life is that you really have to plan ahead if you want to make things happen, which I've always been a planner and have been for practically my whole life. And though various things haven't worked out like I thought they would, it has been all right in the long run. There's still a lot happening right in front of me, and there are plenty more adventures yet to come.