Wow, it's already been a year since I started this little thing?! Truth be told, I couldn't remember when my "blogiversary" was off the top of my head; my best bet was that it was sometime in June, because I do remember what my first post was about (it can be found here). Throughout the last half of 2009 (as well as the first half of 2010) anyone who came across this journal of sorts would be treated to an array of entries related to my senior year of high school.
Suffice to say, that is not what this blog is about; I did not name it "The Life of a Senior" so that I could strictly enlighten readers as to what was going on during my senior year of high school. "So What Do I think?" indicates my wanting to share my thoughts and opinions about life and what goes on in the world through bits of prose, poetry, and everything in between.
Regrettably, I didn't always do that.
It's true that I did post on various topics, quite a few that my age group could identify with. However, there were others that I desperately wanted to touch on, but either was too lazy to sit down and actually do it (I'll touch on that shortly) or I was flat-out afraid. For example, I was hoping to do a post about the Phoebe Prince bullying case and touch on my own experiences with bullying. Yet, a part of me was (and still is) somewhat hesitant, because a lot of my family members don't even know what happened, and I don't want to anger or hurt anyone. To add to that, I wasn't sure that I was ready to discuss it.
It also has to do with the number of blogs that I posted on a weekly (or should I say monthly?) basis; I had originally intended to blog at least every other day, with the hopes that more people would feel inclined to read it. But I've realized that as much as I loving do this, it can be tough at times because I have an extremely bad habit of putting things off. Not to say that I won't complete a task, I just don't usually do it right when it gets handed to me. I do realize that needs to change, being that I will be going to college in just a little under two months.
Despite going at a snail's pace at times, my hopes and goals for this blog still remain the same; I want people to get at least something out of my writings on here. Whether it be an insight to my personal character or my beliefs, an inspiration of some kind, or it just ultimately makes a person think. When that happens, I know I'm doing a bit of good on here.
Don't be surprised if you see a change (or multiple changes) throughout these writings. I do intend to tackle more subjects, some a bit more touchy and sensitive than others. (I hope that people will actually comment on here as opposed to just Facebook when I post the links). I've sharpened the sword a bit, so to speak, so you might find traces of sarcasm and humor. I'd like to also use photos, if I could figure out how in the world to put them on here.
Perhaps I'll even muster enough courage to put a profile picture up. One thing I've learned is to never fully trust the internet; in Cyberspace, it's pretty much an "anything goes" type of deal, and I never really know who reads what I write or what their intentions are. Thus, the reason why I won't reveal where I'm going to college. There are millions of sick-minded freaks out there in the world, and there's no telling what could happen. So unless anyone offers to do a bit of butt-kicking if a sticky situation arises (or I get an opportunity to take a self-defense class) than my location will be known as "the cornfields." Not to mention I enjoy maintaining a bit of mysteriousness.
For now, I will go celebrate with a third cup of coffee for the day. And here's to another year of thoughts and opinions on whatever each day may hold.
June 30, 2010
June 20, 2010
My Parents
I've been thinking about the last eighteen years or so, and how both of my parents have played a rather pivotal role in my growing into adulthood. It didn't strike me until now, how much they've really been there since the beginning. When I was a newborn in the NICU, they were either at the hospital every single day or called the hospital every chance they could when they weren't. As I got older, they helped me navigate the physical tasks that kids often learn, such as walking, riding a bike, and eventually driving a car. But helping with all those things required a ton of patience because I frequently got frustrated with my progress, and it took me awhile to get the hang of it. Throughout the years, they've been more patient with me then I probably deserve.
It makes me sad when I hear kids say that their Mom is a bitch or how much they hate their parents altogether; I can't say that I've always gotten along with mine, or that we haven't butted heads over things, but I would never hate them for it. In the heat of the moment, I do get pissed off about little things like my Dad telling me when to go to bed, or my mom lecturing me about responsibility. But when all is said and done, they just want to see me happy, healthy, and successful.
And despite not being raised in a sheltered environment or with any strong religious background, I can say that I'm proud of the way they raised me; they always stressed the importance of having confidence in all that you do in life, and to be the best you can be. Both my siblings and I were never told not to drink or have sex or any of that stuff, but they made sure we understood that actions do have consequences. I believe that is why I never got into any serious trouble in high school; because essentially, I was allowed to make my own decisions and I knew that I wanted to go to college. To add to that, I didn't want to disappoint them.
They've also put our needs before theirs; making sacrifices to get the best education possible and that we're healthy and have our basic needs met.
In this particular time in my life, they're support has been constant and unconditional; despite not wanting me to attend a Big Ten University in the beginning, they've realized how good it will be in regards to my major and give me the opportunity to live as an independent adult. That maybe my major won't make me the most money, but my Dad has always advised, "it's better to make little money by doing what you love, than to make a lot of make but hate it every single day."
Most importantly, they've taught me to appreciate not just my own family, but the concept of family itself. That love comes from both family and community, and how it is one of the greatest gifts that God can ever give.
And for that, I'm proud...no, humbled to be their daughter. I love you guys!
It makes me sad when I hear kids say that their Mom is a bitch or how much they hate their parents altogether; I can't say that I've always gotten along with mine, or that we haven't butted heads over things, but I would never hate them for it. In the heat of the moment, I do get pissed off about little things like my Dad telling me when to go to bed, or my mom lecturing me about responsibility. But when all is said and done, they just want to see me happy, healthy, and successful.
And despite not being raised in a sheltered environment or with any strong religious background, I can say that I'm proud of the way they raised me; they always stressed the importance of having confidence in all that you do in life, and to be the best you can be. Both my siblings and I were never told not to drink or have sex or any of that stuff, but they made sure we understood that actions do have consequences. I believe that is why I never got into any serious trouble in high school; because essentially, I was allowed to make my own decisions and I knew that I wanted to go to college. To add to that, I didn't want to disappoint them.
They've also put our needs before theirs; making sacrifices to get the best education possible and that we're healthy and have our basic needs met.
In this particular time in my life, they're support has been constant and unconditional; despite not wanting me to attend a Big Ten University in the beginning, they've realized how good it will be in regards to my major and give me the opportunity to live as an independent adult. That maybe my major won't make me the most money, but my Dad has always advised, "it's better to make little money by doing what you love, than to make a lot of make but hate it every single day."
Most importantly, they've taught me to appreciate not just my own family, but the concept of family itself. That love comes from both family and community, and how it is one of the greatest gifts that God can ever give.
And for that, I'm proud...no, humbled to be their daughter. I love you guys!
June 18, 2010
What You See...Isn't Always What You get
There's a popular phrase "what you see is what you get" that is frequently slapped onto celebrities and well-admired folks around the world (although by now I've seen that the media does not always tell the whole story). As much as I would like that to be true for both myself and my life, it most certainly isn't. No, I'm not saying that I BS people and try to be someone that I'm not; frankly, I consider myself to be one of the worst liars in the world. In fact, most people have a way of somehow picking up when I'm not being honest or truthful.
However, living with audacity has proved to be a challenge since I was thirteen. Without getting into details, I will say that there are a lot of things that have happened in my life that have caused me to become more of a private person. I flat-out don't like the idea of being put on display for the world to see; hence, why I would never want to be famous. I wouldn't be able to deal with useless, trashy magazines publishing lie after lie about my public and personal life, much less have the "dogs" sniffing around for it.
Not to mention other things....
On the other hand, privacy has it's own set of woes. Personally, I felt like I didn't find a core group of friends my freshman and sophomore year because I built walls around myself. There's that feeling of isolation and constant emotional fatigue when you start to rely yourself and no one else. I've been told to "guard my heart" but for how long? How long until the emptiness and confinement become unbearable.
And once you stop letting people in...there's a good chance very few will let you in either. I've found that trying to break down someone else's wall is almost as painful as putting up your own.
It's true that when one keeps another at arms length, they don't get hurt. But let's face it, pain in inevitable. Whether we like it or not, friends and loved ones come and go without warning. There's no use in refusing to live life (fully) because of it.
Not to mention other things....
- Pride-Some may call it a habit, others a tendency. Nevertheless, I can be a rather prideful person. It's the reason why I drag baskets of laundry up and down there stairs and why it often takes me so long to get ready for any kind of social function. I hate asking for help, even though I know I should. Pride is what makes me the independent person that I am, as problematic as pride itself can be. It goes hand-in-hand with not wanting to be a burden to anyone; I want people to look at me and think of who I am, not necessarily what I have.
- Fear-There are times when I'm downright scared to show, or even talk about my feelings. Over the years, certain people have come into my life, only to take advantage of me and then leave at one point or another. I don't know why; perhaps I am too trusting as a whole, or the fact that I verbally say "I trust you" when I'm completely comfortable and willing to open with someone. Most of the time, this happens with the opposite sex. There is also the factor of being judged or looked down upon; there is nothing worse then trying to confide in a friend (or at least you thought you were friends) and having them get pissed and accuse you of trying to impress them. It does hurt, in one way or another.
On the other hand, privacy has it's own set of woes. Personally, I felt like I didn't find a core group of friends my freshman and sophomore year because I built walls around myself. There's that feeling of isolation and constant emotional fatigue when you start to rely yourself and no one else. I've been told to "guard my heart" but for how long? How long until the emptiness and confinement become unbearable.
And once you stop letting people in...there's a good chance very few will let you in either. I've found that trying to break down someone else's wall is almost as painful as putting up your own.
It's true that when one keeps another at arms length, they don't get hurt. But let's face it, pain in inevitable. Whether we like it or not, friends and loved ones come and go without warning. There's no use in refusing to live life (fully) because of it.
June 16, 2010
Prepping and (Somewhat) Planning
I just recently had my college orientation, making this already fast train (figuratively speaking) speed up another ten or so miles. In some ways, it has made my high school graduation seem like a month ago as opposed to a week. Not to say that's a bad thing; the bittersweetness of leaving has passed, allowing me to focus on work and just spending time with whomever I can.
It was both exciting and overwhelming, being on campus again. I can recall walking through the downtown area and telling my mom that I had a good feeling about this; I don't think there was ever a time where I wasn't really smiling (aside from scheduling classes).
Most of, if not both of the two days were sending my brain into information overload; the first day went from nine in the morning until eleven at night, becoming somewhat repetitious after awhile. I was rather anxious to just get my schedule figured out since classes were filling up already. In the long run, it looks to be rather beneficial; only two each day (with one on Friday) ending by at least one in the afternoon. The buildings are close to each other, and I've built enough study and relaxation time between each class. An even better perk, perhaps, is that the library (the place where I'll probably spend the majority of my time studying) is right nearby.
I left with another bag full of papers and necessary information; but quite honestly, I've never felt more excited or eager for this next part of my life.
A good amount of people ask me if I'm nervous about going away and being on my own. There are some aspects that form knots in my stomach at times (which I'll save for a later post), but I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. The best and most useful lesson I've learned is that when it comes to big transitions like moving to a new state and being independent, one has to go in with a blindfold on.
And that is probably going to be the hardest part; that is, having very little to no expectations. I have an extremely active imagination that goes in a dozen different directions at once, so I can't say that I've never pictured myself doing certain things (i.e. getting coffee and working on my latest literary creation in a coffee shop, playing frisbee on the quad...that type of thing). Then again, those are realistic expectations; there's a difference between envisioning yourself drinking a cup of coffee and envisioning yourself being accepted in a sorority (that of which I am rushing, might I add).
However, I did learn during my eighth grade and freshman year that regardless of how scary things may seem, everything works out in the end. One may not be able to control what they're handed in life, but they definitely have the power to decide how they're going to deal with it.
I don't know what's going to happen, or when, or how for that matter. But I'm ready for whatever this new path in life may bring.
It was both exciting and overwhelming, being on campus again. I can recall walking through the downtown area and telling my mom that I had a good feeling about this; I don't think there was ever a time where I wasn't really smiling (aside from scheduling classes).
Most of, if not both of the two days were sending my brain into information overload; the first day went from nine in the morning until eleven at night, becoming somewhat repetitious after awhile. I was rather anxious to just get my schedule figured out since classes were filling up already. In the long run, it looks to be rather beneficial; only two each day (with one on Friday) ending by at least one in the afternoon. The buildings are close to each other, and I've built enough study and relaxation time between each class. An even better perk, perhaps, is that the library (the place where I'll probably spend the majority of my time studying) is right nearby.
I left with another bag full of papers and necessary information; but quite honestly, I've never felt more excited or eager for this next part of my life.
A good amount of people ask me if I'm nervous about going away and being on my own. There are some aspects that form knots in my stomach at times (which I'll save for a later post), but I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. The best and most useful lesson I've learned is that when it comes to big transitions like moving to a new state and being independent, one has to go in with a blindfold on.
And that is probably going to be the hardest part; that is, having very little to no expectations. I have an extremely active imagination that goes in a dozen different directions at once, so I can't say that I've never pictured myself doing certain things (i.e. getting coffee and working on my latest literary creation in a coffee shop, playing frisbee on the quad...that type of thing). Then again, those are realistic expectations; there's a difference between envisioning yourself drinking a cup of coffee and envisioning yourself being accepted in a sorority (that of which I am rushing, might I add).
However, I did learn during my eighth grade and freshman year that regardless of how scary things may seem, everything works out in the end. One may not be able to control what they're handed in life, but they definitely have the power to decide how they're going to deal with it.
I don't know what's going to happen, or when, or how for that matter. But I'm ready for whatever this new path in life may bring.
June 04, 2010
And so it ends
Some would call it the beginning of the end, others would say it was the end of the beginning. Either way, I'm graduating high school tonight and am honestly floored by the prospect of this particular event. Like so many other people in my life (mainly family members) I thought of graduation as being a day that was never going to come.
I look back on my years and marvel at how drastically different I was as a freshman; to put it bluntly, I was scared as hell coming into high school. There were a lot of painful memories that I was still trying to put behind me, but at the same time, I was still trying to hold onto those that'd I been close with in middle school. I remember how insecure and dramatic I was, both as a freshman, sophomore, and even a junior. I didn't really allow myself to be my own person, because I was so swept up in what people thought of me.
It's obvious that everyone changes in between being a freshman and a senior; your looks change, you make and lose friends, and you learn from both good and bad experiences. But from a personal standpoint, I feel like I have truly grown up. And I believe the key thing with that was just letting go: Meaning, I was no longer going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow or in the future. Instead of fretting over what people thought of me, I was going to keep in mind that those that matter aren't going to care if I make mistakes at times or look like a total dork at times, because that's a part of who I am. I wasn't going to become fixated on a guy, but rather take it for what it is and just let things happen as they're meant to.
This year in particular has really changed me; I've learned the value of hard work, and that NOTHING ever gets handed to you for free (if anyone has that kind of mindset, they're in for a rude awakening). If you really want to go to college, (along with a lot of other things in life) you have to work for it. Some things you have to let happen on their own, but others you have to get off your ass and go get them yourself.
There are certain friendships that aren't meant to last forever; people change, and for whatever reason, sometimes they stop caring altogether. When that happens, you have to learn to let them go. It's a very painful aspect, one that I had to learn repeatedly. But just because you might lose someone, doesn't mean there isn't room for new people in the future. When it all comes down to it, change is inevitable.
I may not have had the classic, perhaps almost cliche high school experiences that many people want. But when I think about it, I probably experienced more then most people have the opportunity to do in their lifetime.
I wouldn't look at high school as the "glory days" so to speak. In reality, one should make the most of every stage in their lives, regardless if they're fourteen or forty. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to have everything right here and right now, as some put it. When joy is spread out, one is less likely to take it for granted.
So for now, I'm saying goodbye to high school, and HELLO to college!
I look back on my years and marvel at how drastically different I was as a freshman; to put it bluntly, I was scared as hell coming into high school. There were a lot of painful memories that I was still trying to put behind me, but at the same time, I was still trying to hold onto those that'd I been close with in middle school. I remember how insecure and dramatic I was, both as a freshman, sophomore, and even a junior. I didn't really allow myself to be my own person, because I was so swept up in what people thought of me.
It's obvious that everyone changes in between being a freshman and a senior; your looks change, you make and lose friends, and you learn from both good and bad experiences. But from a personal standpoint, I feel like I have truly grown up. And I believe the key thing with that was just letting go: Meaning, I was no longer going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow or in the future. Instead of fretting over what people thought of me, I was going to keep in mind that those that matter aren't going to care if I make mistakes at times or look like a total dork at times, because that's a part of who I am. I wasn't going to become fixated on a guy, but rather take it for what it is and just let things happen as they're meant to.
This year in particular has really changed me; I've learned the value of hard work, and that NOTHING ever gets handed to you for free (if anyone has that kind of mindset, they're in for a rude awakening). If you really want to go to college, (along with a lot of other things in life) you have to work for it. Some things you have to let happen on their own, but others you have to get off your ass and go get them yourself.
There are certain friendships that aren't meant to last forever; people change, and for whatever reason, sometimes they stop caring altogether. When that happens, you have to learn to let them go. It's a very painful aspect, one that I had to learn repeatedly. But just because you might lose someone, doesn't mean there isn't room for new people in the future. When it all comes down to it, change is inevitable.
I may not have had the classic, perhaps almost cliche high school experiences that many people want. But when I think about it, I probably experienced more then most people have the opportunity to do in their lifetime.
I wouldn't look at high school as the "glory days" so to speak. In reality, one should make the most of every stage in their lives, regardless if they're fourteen or forty. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to have everything right here and right now, as some put it. When joy is spread out, one is less likely to take it for granted.
So for now, I'm saying goodbye to high school, and HELLO to college!
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